Notice
by DaringDreamerWithAPen
Summary: Blaine asks Kurt to meet him in the auditorium to listen to his new song before he preforms it for the whole Glee club. What happens when that song is "Cough Syrup" and Kurt is left fearing the worst, especially after Karofsky's recent attempt. Spoilers: Season 3 Episode 14 "On My Way" TRIGGER WARNINGS: Guilt, Suicide. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU MIGHT/WILL BE TRIGGERED!


**A/N: I'm going to make this short. This is my first Fanfic so it would mean a lot to me if you would comment.**

**Please do not read if you will be triggered by mentions of suicide, attempted suicide, thoughts of suicide, or feelings of guilt. I don't want ANYONE to get hurt reading this!**

_Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any characters associated with it._

Lima, Ohio was the absolute definition mediocrity. That's why when I was greeted by yet another mundane morning outside of my window, nothing felt out of place. The gray haze hanging over the city was to be expected. Sighing, sincerely dreading facing my daily Monday Mango slushy facial, I dragged myself out of bed to attend to my day's normal routine.

_As much as I love spending hours getting ready just to wash sticky corn syrup and ice chunks out of my perfectly done hair_, I thought wryly to myself, _I just can't justify an intensive regimen today_. Something about the syrupy haze dripping all over Lima drained me of all emotion.

Halfway through my battle with my hair, my phone rang for me, Katy Perry style. I smiled as I glanced at the text from my boyfriend.

**Hey, Kurt! Meet in the auditorium before school to run through my song for Glee? – Blaine**

I sent him a short conformation reply and finished my prep work as quickly as possible.

Not wanting to keep Blaine waiting alone in the auditorium for too long, I rushed as quickly as possible down the stairs, passing up breakfast, and rushed to my truck. After fifteen grueling minutes of stop and start traffic on the busiest street in town, I half-consciously pulled up to the oppressive brick walls of McKinnley High School.

Ignoring the daily slurs as I walked down the hallway to meet my boyfriend in the auditorium, I marveled at the fact that I was actually walking to meet my boyfriend, despite everything that had happened over the course of the last few months. One day I was afraid that I would never truly find happiness, and the next day I was determined to grab my happiness and have it any way I could.

I opened the massive door to the auditorium to be greeted by none other than Blaine and the band, on stage, ready to go the second my right foot crosses the threshold.

"_Life's too short to even care at all,_

_I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control_

_These fishes in the sea they're staring at me oh oh_

_Oh oh oh oh_

_A wet world aches for a beat of a drum_

_Oh"_

As soon as I heard the beat, my heart dropped to my feet. _This is possibly the most depressing song… and for _Blaine_ of all people to sing it – _

Of course he sounded spectacular as usual. He also connected with every emotion evoked in the first few bars of the song so intimately that I would've sworn he wrote it himself if I didn't know any better. Unfortunately, this was exactly what I found so disconcerting.

I met his forlorn gaze from directly below the stage, mentally begging him to let me in. _He's a performer. It's what he does._ I tried to pacify myself with my thoughts for the remainder of the heartbreaking number.

By the time Blaine had belted the final lines of the song, it took me everything I had not to drop to the ground, assume the fetal position, and bawl my eyes out.

"So…" Blaine prompted me after several moments of stunned silence, "what did you think?"

"It was brilliant as always, Blaine," I said, choking back a sob.

Perceptive as always though, the refreshingly selfless creature standing in front of me spoke again. "Kurt? What's wrong? Are you… crying?"

"No, no. Nothing's wrong. It's just… Mondays," I tried to fake a chipper smile grappling for something that could excuse my behavior. Failing miserably, I spoke. "Was there…" I stopped, not wanting to offend the love of my life if I was wrong... or worse yet to trigger him if I was right.

"Yes?" He seemed happy and put together enough though. Sensing my hesitation, Blaine spoke again, "You know you can say anything and I won't be mad at you, right?"

"I was just…" I fumbled for my words trying to phrase it as clearly as possible, "Why did you pick that song, out of all of the possible songs ever recorded?"

For the first time that morning I saw his smile waver before he responded to my question in his usual upbeat way, "I don't know. I think the music just really spoke to me."

He might have said more after that, but it didn't matter how he tried to justify himself or how he tried to cover up his true intentions. That miniscule waver in his smile, unseen to probably anyone else, was enough to send me over the edge.

I didn't want to confront him though. I would just upset him more. And if he was as bad as the lyrics suggested… I shuddered thinking of the perilous potential of my better half. What had happened to make him feel that way? _Did I do something wrong?_

I was still shaken when I heard about what Karofsky had done… or attempted to do.

I felt numb. It was _my_ fault. _I_ rejected him. _I_ ignored his calls. _I_ made him feel like he wasn't good enough. _I_ made David Karofsky feel like his life wasn't worth living.

I held myself together until I was back in the sanctuary of my truck. No one that would care about seeing me cry stayed at the school much past 4 o'clock anyway, so I felt no remorse for allowing myself to lose it at 4:15.

That's when I received the text that reminded me of what put me in my mood anyway.

**I'm really sorry, Kurt. Where are you? You looked really depressed after we heard about Karofsky. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. – Blaine.**

How selfish was I? Here, my sweet, beloved, wonderful boyfriend was trying to comfort me when he had so expertly sung a song about _suicide _just a few hours before. _How blind must I be?_

I was a terrible boyfriend. What if Blaine had been suffering the entire time and I used him to lean on for all of my small problems. I felt the first pang of guilt hit my check like a mallet on a gong. I wasn't worthy of Blaine's love.

_What if he had decided to take his own life before I realized anything was wrong? _I really didn't deserve a boyfriend as sweet and selfless as Blaine. He always put his problems before mine. Always. Never once had I heard him complain. Not that I had listened to, anyway.

Looking back through our relationship, I stumbled across several instances where I had just brushed off any of his protests or complaints anytime he might have tried to complain.

_Prom._

I felt the knight in my stomach tighten further, chocking my lungs, rendering me incapable of properly breathing.

Just then, my phone buzzed again. I picked up the phone, drowning in the oceans of guilt I held in my heart.

**Kurt? I'm starting to get worried. I know the thing with Karofsky was a shock, but please just let me know that you're okay. – Blaine**

How? _How could I let you know that I'm okay when _you_ so clearly aren't? Why do you even care?_

I sat in silence in my truck for what must have been hours, contemplating my own actions. I had never considered taking my own life. I couldn't sympathize with either Karofsky or… Blaine. My eyes threatened new tears just thinking of his name.

**Kurt, this is your last chance to text back before I come looking for you. – Blaine.**

_I'd love to text back, but I'm not okay, Blaine._

The sun, or the little bit of it that had decided to show itself at the peak of the day began to set and I knew that I couldn't stay in the school's parking lot any longer. I shifted into gear and made my way home.

I didn't have to worry about Burt or Carole questioning my tears because they were out of town visiting one of Carole's sick relatives for the rest of the week. Finn was out with Rachel and probably wouldn't be back to well after dark, so I didn't even check to see how red and puffy my eyes were before I ungraciously allowed myself to stumble out of my truck.

In fact, I was so distraught that I failed to see a very familiar, shiny black car parked in my driveway, with a very concerned looking boyfriend sitting on the hood of it.

"Kurt! Where have you been?" Blaine's voice hitched as if he'd been trying to suppress tears too.

_Great! He probably thinks he has to be strong for me. Stop crying!_

Rather than answering, I just allowed myself to collapse onto the concrete of my driveway and sob. I didn't deserve Blaine. I didn't deserve him at all. _Look at you, Kurt. Blaine was clearly upset this morning, and yet _you're_ the sobbing mess. You need to be there for him once in a while. You need to be a better boyfriend. You just need to be better._

Blaine stooped down to my level, embracing my violently shaking for on the ground. "Shh. Shh, it's okay. Karofsky will be okay."

"M-my fault." I stuttered nearly incomprehensibly.

"What would make you say something like that?" A sickening blend of shock and horror danced across his beautiful features as he spoke.

I quickly explained to him the call situation and how, maybe if I'd answered _once_, Karofsky wouldn't have tried anything.

"Kurt, Karofsky did not do what he did because you didn't answer your phone. A few missed calls does not constitute an attempted suicide." As Blaine spoke, I tried to calm down so that I could ask him about his earlier performance.

"Do you want to go inside?" I gestured limply towards the door.

"Sure," Blaine nodded in agreement.

We repositioned ourselves on the couch, Blaine trying to read the rush of emotions across my face.

"Blaine, can I ask you something?" I winced, knowing that what I had to ask, he probably wouldn't want to share.

"Anything. Just let me know what's going on in your mind."

"Okay, well…" I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, "this morning when you sang _Cough Syrup_," his face fell a little, but I could tell he wasn't shutting me out, "you seemed to connect to the song really well. Too well."

"And the question is?"

"Blaine, have you ever… you know… considered – " I couldn't bring myself to completely finish voicing my thought.

He sighed reluctantly, visibly falling back into the couch. He didn't want to answer. I'd offended him. I couldn't just –

"Yes." My thoughts were interrupted with that one heartbreaking word. The levees in my heart broke, allowing my emotions to completely overtake my mind, drowning out any ounce of hope I'd had left. "It was a long time ago. I was having a really hard time before I switched to Dalton. As you know," he looked up, flashing a small, nervous smile before continuing, "and Dalton was a big adjustment too. I had been fighting with my parents the past weekend and it was all just too much."

I couldn't take it anymore. Living in a world without Blaine seemed impossible. _What if – _

He interrupted my train of thought though, "but when we bonded over that coffee, and you so desperately needed help to overcome your own issues, I realized I wasn't the only person putting up the fight. I realized that I had to keep going." He paused, guiding my chin up with his warm fingers and smiled, "I've _never_ even considered it since then."

_The fact that you've ever considered it is too much. What if – _

In my silence he heard all of my thoughts screaming. "No matter what has happened since then, I have _never_ thought about it again. No matter what happens in the future," his eyes glistened with reassurance and hope, "I _promise_ you that I will never even for a second think of that as an option. I _won't_ take that roa. I know what I have to live for now."

A new round of tears erupted from the endlessly flowing fountains that were my eyes. This time, though, they were tears of relief. "Promise me, though, Blaine. If you _ever_ do think about it, even if I'm in the middle of class, you'll call me. Even if I'm in the middle of a Broadway performance I will answer. You mean way too much to me, and I couldn't live with the guilt of – "

"I promise." He swore solemnly, holding up his right hand as assurance before speaking again. "But there won't be a next time."

He seemed to debate himself internally before continuing to speak, "Kurt, I was so afraid today when you weren't texting me that it was because _you_ were going to try something. I knew how much helping Karofsky try to get through this meant to you and I know how you tend to harbor guilt. And I just… I really thought I might lose you."

"I would never –"

He shook his head, my assertion not holding enough water. "Swear to me that you'll never take your own life. That whenever you feel sad or overwhelmed or alone you _will_ call me."

"I swear." My voice shook as I allowed myself to feel all of the guilt I'd been feeling for being a terrible boyfriend. "Thank you so much for always helping me through everything. I'm sorry I'm so selfish that I can't help you through any of your problems."

Just as quickly as the worry washed off of Blaine's face, grief plastered itself tightly across his chiseled features. "You are _not_ selfish, Kurt. You may be, in fact, the single most selfless person that I know."

I opened my mouth in protest, a plethora of counter examples coating my tongue as ammunition, only to be silenced before I began. "No. I'm going to make sure that you know the truth about yourself. You've helped me through all of my problems. Just knowing that you're always there for me helps. Knowing that you will always love me and support me without judging me, is enough to push me through several daily battles."

I shot him one final doubtful glance. "You don't have to say that."

"Yes I do, because it's true. The thought that I might have lost you from my life today was absolutely terrifying and you need to know how much you mean to me. I need to convey to you how much you truly have helped me."

His eyes overflowed with pure sincerity, making my heart soar. At that moment, I knew that together we could face whatever hardships life through at us together.

"I love you so much," he said filling our void in conversation.

"I love you too."


End file.
